Lap Dancing October 9, 2008

So I was reading about the mating habits of hedgehogs with my youngest, Jude (3 and a half) as the group he’s in in preschool is Hedgehogs and for some reason I felt it necessitated knowing the full biology of the creature (pushy mum??). It made me smile that animals are so primal yet we humans are so sophisticated when it comes to sex.

That evening Nige told me he’d read some research saying that lapdancers get better tips when they are ovulating. The next day I read that women’s voices change over the course of a month, with different, more soothing and seductive tones when they are most fertile. I’ve decided to review my initial idea that we’re so highly developed after all…

Fairies July 23, 2008

“When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.” J M Barrie

Recipe: Credit Crunch July 23, 2008

technically this should be called Chocolate Credit Crunch but it doesn’t have the same ring to it…

Serves: Makes 12-15

Prep: 15 min, plus setting
Cook: 5 min

Ingredients

50g Butter
100g dark chocolate, broken into small pieces
5 tbsp golden syrup
80g cornflakes

Kung Fu July 21, 2008

So we went to see Kung Fu Panda last week which was great, the boys all came out kicking and throwing themselves around and seemed to get some of the basic elements of chinese martial arts when we bored them to death with it. Nige and I both dabbled in the ancient art, him more recently and me in my I-love-everything-chinese phase (born in Hong Kong, studied mandarin at university as a night class, martial arts, nearly did a Masters in Beijing but met Nige instead, aah).

I definitely want to train again (classes will be packed with parents wanting to impress their offspring…?) and Nige and I have been doing some Tai Chi Push Hands (martial side of Tai Chi) in our front room! The thing I loved about these types of martial arts is that they use a soft energy rather than physical strength: Wing Chun Kung Fu was developed by shaolin nuns travelling across China and they needed a defense system to protect them from attack that didn’t rely on brute force. Using the opponents strength and your own softness and go-with-the-flow-ness, you can absorb their attack and thrust it back on them (Po the Panda uses his enormous belly to help him absorb the force and wobble it back out).

My week has been a bit crazy to say the least, finalising my ad for Tatty Bumpkin in the Yellow Pages, getting ready to take Tatty to Trowbridge Pump Festival (great folk festival), last week of school with teacher presents etc, playgroups and the like having parties and inviting Tatty to entertain them etc. I have a tendency to hit these things head-on rather than with a softness any self-respecting martial arts master would be proud of. Po the Panda (and indeed the Tao of Pooh / Te of Piglet if you ever get a chance to read them) could teach me a thing or two…

Great song July 21, 2008

White Lies… July 13, 2008

Lies I’ve told my 3 year old recently by Raul Gutierrez – random blogger guy

Trees talk to each other at night.

All fish are named either Lorna or Jack.

Before your eyeballs fall out from watching too much TV, they get very loose.

Tiny bears live in drain pipes.

If you are very very quiet you can hear the clouds rub against the sky.

The moon and the sun had a fight a long time ago.

Everyone knows at least one secret language.

When nobody is looking, I can fly.

We are all held together by invisible threads.

Books get lonely too.

Sadness can be eaten.

I will always be there.

can’t get this out of my head, enjoy trying to get it out of yours… May 28, 2008

Pirates against Pollution… their manifesto May 28, 2008

(don’t forget Pirate Convention, 12th June in Lansdown at 7.30pm)

DECLARATION

Version 1

I, [insert Pirate name here] being a Pirate Against Pollution (pause for effects) hereby solemnly swear, vow, declare, say publicly, assert, announce, proclaim and affirm, that I will give some careful thought to adhering, following, abiding and otherwise putting up with the Pirates Against Pollution Top Tips, Guidelines and Undertakings, otherwise known as The Code, The Pledge or The Rules, on pain of mildly embarrasing disclosures and expulsion from the Basket-Making (see point 18).

• 1. Da Balloons Never let go of your balloons. If they drop in the ocean, sea turtles think they are jellyfish and choke on them. (You never know when you may need a sea turtle).
• 2. Cotton buds Always put your cotton buds in the bin and not down the loo or else they ends up on the beach, which is not nice. (Real pirates use their finger anyway, or better still, someone else’s finger. This works best if the owner is not still connected to it.)
• 3. Peeing Don’t pee in the sea. Wait until the end of the voyage.
• 4. Parking Never moor your boat up a tree.
• 5. Smoking Don’t smoke underwater. Wear a patch instead.
• 6. Recycling Take what you can, give nothing back. (This can’t be right ?)
• 7. Blood Blood on your hands or the deck should be washed off with ecologically-friendly-cleaning products – don’t use chlorine bleach – it poisons the sea and gives you Dead Man’s Finger.
• 8. Chests Take a treasure chest with you if you go shopping or plundering. Don’t use plastic carrier bags as they can get in the sea and also choke sea turtles, seals and sea-birds. If you haven’t got a chest then a string bag will do but it looks a bit poncey.
• 9. Phone Chargers Pirates should not leave their phone chargers, tvs or DVDs on stand by. This is too complicated to explain.
• 10. Pets Pirates are allowed a pet but the following guidelines apply and all pets should be free range: Parrots** – always have a spare one handy in case of sudden migrations.
• Encourage your parrot to abuse polluters.
• Rabbits – rabbits are alright but can cause problems on ships if they start burrowing in the booty and most are not so good as parrots at talking.
• Albatrosses – not recommended for small ships or dinghies – need a lot of exercise.
• Beavers – never let a beaver near the mast. In fact avoid beavers altogether if possible.
• (Other pets to avoid include woodpeckers, termites, woodworm and weevils.)
• 11. Mermaids Always wash your mermaid at 30 degrees – they shrink in the wash
• 12. School Run A 4 x 4 master schooner is not the most suitable mode of transport for the school run. Row ashore in a skiff – or better still, swim.
• 13. Fighting Fighting on the beaches is only permitted on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday, between the hours of 12am and 11.59pm.
• 14. Swords and cutlasses and like Effects Plastic swords are not allowed – all self-respecting pirates use wooden ones from sustainable sources.
• 15. Bathwater Bathwater should be unequally distributed in the following way: Captain and ship’s cat first, followed by officers and finally scurvy dogs, then crew.
• 16. Underwear Following a keel-hauling or plank-walking, there may be unpleasant debris in the sea. Always hook out any floating items – fish, octopus, and sea snakes may not wish to be seen wearing dirty underpants, socks and bandanas.
• 17. Recycling Always recycle any hooks, earrings, gold teeth and wooden legs. The market for second-hand hooks and teeth is very strong, and its nicer for the environment anyway. It’s easier to remove the teeth from people who are dead, very drunk, or very absent-minded.
• 18. Ironing Ironing on deck is only permitted prior to the Annual Pirates Flower Arranging and Basket Weaving Presentations.
• 19. Beards Any bird life found in beards should be left until fully-fledged. It is against Pirate Law to knowingly disturb a bird nesting on the person.
• 20. Compost If composting your enemies, always make sure they are good and dead before adding them to the compost heap. Remember that composting bodies in the sea attracts sharks.
• **Parrots should really be free and not kept as pets – an ‘issue’.
• Parrots are under review and the review is being kept under wraps.

Flexibility May 9, 2008

Ooh the things you can do if you’re flexible…

The Worst Pirate May 4, 2008

You should know by now that I have a fascination with pirates. I’m probably not alone and if you do too there’s a Pirate Convention with pirate stories, song and mingling over rum on June 12th at the Lansdown in Bristol. I’ve just finished a brilliant book about Anne Bonney, a famous female pirate who was pretty tough and also easy on the eye so they say. A great read, called Pirate Spirit.

This is a cool song from Pirates of the Carribean…